Well.

The time has come for things to change... again. No matter how much I fight it, or how I try to avoid it, or how hard I cling to the things that are important to me... they're going to slip through my fingers, and what I want to keep near and dear will eventually fade away. I always fight it... and I haven't won yet. This seems to be no exception.

I've found that it's difficult for me to release the tremendous amount of emotion that builds up from day to day. I wish I wasn't as emotional as I am, but I suppose it's just one of my many various flaws. It's something I struggle with, I suppose. To this day, I have used RP as my outlet for what I can't express. Every character I've created is some part of me, every relationship they build representing one I actually have. More often than not, my character's actions have reflected that which I can't verbalize, either because I'm afraid, or because I know it wouldn't do any good. For 10 years, that has been my release. I don't know anything else. Art has always been a hobby, and not the salve that writing became. It seems that now, with this time of change, I have to re-evaluate where my creative energy is best applied.

My screenname, even, is a reflection of my past RP. And now that what seems to be the last shred of hope that I can hold onto this thing I love so much is gone, I do believe it's time for me to leave this name behind.

I also know that what I post here is limited in it's honesty, because I know who visits from time to time. Which isn't to say I don't want people who know my heart to see this site... or that I don't want people to know my heart, but it does make me hesitate to post something that they might be offended by... and that's just not honest expression, is it?

I'm hurting a lot, right now. Which is part of the reason I've chosen this morning to write this post. I'm terrified of the changes to come in my life, and terrified at the realization that people I love with every fiber of my being... can live quite easily without me. I have since realized I don't share that ease, since stark reality has hit me squarely in the face to show that no matter how much I want things to stay the same with them, they will not. They can not. And I'm not even remotely prepared to deal with that.

So, for my few watchers, to whom I am eternally grateful, if you would like the location of my new account, please drop me an e-mail at bmestefan@gmail.com.

And thank you, thank you, to the people who have inspired me so much over the years here. I'll still be watching.